I mentioned it awhile back, but last night a bunch of us went to see the Jillian Michaels Maximize Your Life tour.
I’m not going to rehash everything that went down in the show. Trust me, I could, but who wants to read my rewrite on what all she said? (If you do, uh, email me? I guess I can try to rehash but not today. I’m too damned tired.) Why am I so tired? Well, we got hit with a winter storm while we were there and on the way back home. If you look in the background, you can notice it’s coming down through the window. This meant that we had to take it slow (and by “we” I mean Amber because she was driving and I was just her ride along. She was way more cool, calm, and collected than my frantic self would have been.) While we were on our way, Amber asked me what was the biggest thing I took away from the show. After I rambled for a good 15 minutes because God knows I can’t pick just one favorite thing about anything, (example: favorite color? Blue, no purple, no pink, no…) I would say I had 3 things I took out of the show.
1. Know Your Why.
I know there are probably people reading this going “duh.” I hear ya. I know everyone has heard the whole focus on the why and the how doesn’t seem so bad. I’ve heard it. Hell, I’ve even said I was doing it a time or two. There are times, however, when I get too wrapped up in my head. I make my “why” too complicated or something that almost seems impossible to achieve to me. Going to this event, however, reminded me that whys don’t have to be “I want to lose weight and get healthy because I can cause world peace by doing so.” When I was talking to Amber, I realized that my “why” for right now is I’m going to NYC with my sweet Swedish-chef Karolina in just less than 3 months. I want to be able to fly without my hips and or thighs touching someone else’s. If you’ve got a big bottom half, you know exactly what I’m talking about with this item. You have to shove the arm rest between you down to try to contain your thighs but they still manage to slide under and then it’s painful because you’ve got an arm rest cutting into your thigh. I don’t want to have to deal with that painful ride. I want to be as comfortable as possible. If there’s a thigh being cut into, I’d rather it be my neighbors than mine.
2. Stop cutting myself down.
Again, I know, Duh. During one part of the show, Jillian spoke about when contestants on the Biggest Loser are taken to see the old cutout of themselves. She says (and I’ve seen on tv) that the contestants are always like “Yuck!” or stronger reactions than that. Jillian stated that after they have their reactions she always points out to them that they should stop being so hard on that person. Yes, they were overweight and extremely unhealthy. That person, however, also made the decision to get healthier. That person they were so ashamed or appalled by had the courage to start a journey that led them to who they were on that day. This doesn’t just apply to Biggest Losers — it applies to everyone who’s started and continues to go on a personal journey. It isn’t always about weight loss. Maybe you look back 15 years ago and see that you worked in the kitchen at McDonalds. A part of you is almost ashamed about that but, if you stop and think, that reality may have been what pushed you to find a better job — to go back to school — to find your passion. If it hadn’t been for that person, that person you used to be who had the courage to change, who knows where you’d be today. I need to remember this and remember how hard me from a year ago had to work to become the me of today. She did a helluva job and it’s about time that I give her a break.
3. Don’t let your fear rule you.
This may actually be the biggest thing I took away from the show. Everyone, sit down a minute because I’m about to use some circular logic and I don’t want anyone to get dizzy and fall down. Alright, now that we’re prepared, let’s talk about one of my biggest fears.
I’m terrified of gaining all the weight back that I lost. Beyond that, I’m terrified of getting back up to my heaviest weight (260). Due to this, if I step on a scale and see that I’ve gained anything, and I do mean anything, I get this tight knot in the pit of my stomach. I can just feel my body expanding, the skin stretching back out, the pants getting too tight. Some people might say the solution would be to not weigh myself, but I just don’t work that way. I have to weigh myself every so often. I need to know where I stand on that scale of judgment. As I’ve said before, I may get past this some day, but today is not that day. Anyway, if I see that weight go up, I feel like I’ve already failed and I’m heading straight back to being over 200 pounds. A logical person would amp up the diet/exercise/meditation to get their shit together. I, however, am not a logical person. I, instead, will eat a box of cookies. Yes, to fix the problem of gaining weight that was most likely just a fluctuation that’s perfectly normal from an intense workout or Mother Nature, I do the action that is most likely to make me actually gain weight because I’m afraid of gaining weight.
Jillian talked about it some but Amber helped me talk it out some more on our way home. What’s the absolute worse thing that could happen? Well, I could give up all hope and just start eating constantly, becoming so large that they have to either get a crane to get me out of the house when I die or go all Gilbert Grape on it and burn that bitch to the ground.
I should stop and mention that Amber pointed out that I’m being complete insane with this scenario in my head. She’s (probably) right. The worst thing that could happen is that I do gain all the weight back and have to start again. Would it be a huge blow to my ego? Yes. Would it kill me? No. I know what I have to do to be successful. I know I can be successful. I also know I don’t want to have to start from that point again because it was so incredibly hard. I can’t, however, let my fear of failure keep circling around. I can’t keep setting myself up to fail. I have to keep moving forward, where ever that may lead me, and quit letting fear make me feel like a failure when I’m not.
Well, that was a whole big dose of reality from yours truly today. It’s not always easy around these parts. On the positive side, at least I’ve got friends to tell me I’m being completely crazy because sometimes that’s what I need to hear.